Richard Whately: 'To be always thinking about your manners is not the way to make them good; the very perfection of manners is not to think about yourself.'

To be always thinking about your manners is not the way to make them good; the very perfection of manners is not to think about yourself.

In this blog article, we will delve deep into the thought-provoking quote by Richard Whately, "To be always thinking about your manners is not the way to make them good; the very perfection of manners is not to think about yourself." At first glance, this quote encourages us to shift our perspective on the way we approach etiquette. It suggests that constantly being preoccupied with our own behavior may not lead to true development in our manners. Instead, Whately asserts that the true perfection of manners lies in not being self-conscious and focusing solely on oneself.It is human nature to strive for improvement, and manners are no exception. However, Whately challenges our conventional understanding of esteeming manners by suggesting that the more we obsess over them, the farther we stray from their ideal embodiment. This notion may seem counterintuitive, as society often emphasizes etiquette as a means of respect and harmony. Yet, when we constantly think about our manners, we may become self-conscious, hindered by a fear of making mistakes, and overly concerned with how we are perceived by others.To fully grasp the essence of Whately's words, let us consider an unexpected philosophical concept: the notion of flow. Flow, popularized by psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, refers to a state of total immersion in an activity, where one finds complete fulfillment and loses track of time and self. This concept may seem unrelated to manners at first, but when we juxtapose it with Whately's quote, a fascinating parallel emerges.Similar to the state of flow, where one acts effortlessly and without self-awareness, the perfection of manners lies in not thinking about oneself. When we are genuinely present in our interactions and engaged in the moment, our behavior becomes instinctive, authentic, and ultimately, impeccable. By shifting our focus away from ourselves and redirecting it towards those around us, we can embody manners in their purest form without the burden of constant self-monitoring.To illustrate this, let's consider a scenario where two individuals are engaged in conversation. The first person constantly worries about their words, posture, and gestures, fearful of breaching any etiquette protocols. Consequently, they come across as artificial, disconnected, and unable to genuinely connect with others. On the other hand, the second individual simply embodies the essence of Whately's quote. They are completely present, attentive, and empathetic towards their conversational partner. Without giving a second thought to their own behavior, they exude an effortless charm and make others feel comfortable, valued, and respected. Their manners are not merely cultivated; they are simply a natural extension of their being.Now, it is crucial to acknowledge that this interpretation should not be misunderstood as a dismissal of the importance of manners. Rather, Whately's message encourages us to develop an internalized understanding and make heartfelt connections with others, rather than mechanically following a prescribed set of rules. True manners arise when we treat others with genuine respect, empathy, and kindness, not when we are preoccupied with our own actions.In conclusion, Richard Whately's quote, "To be always thinking about your manners is not the way to make them good; the very perfection of manners is not to think about yourself," invites us to reflect on our approach to etiquette. In a society that often values surface-level impressions, Whately challenges us to redirect our focus outward and embrace a state of flow when it comes to our interactions. By practicing the art of being present, attentive, and genuinely interested in others, our manners can transcend superficiality and become an authentic expression of empathy, respect, and kindness. So, let us embrace this fresh perspective and strive for manners that are not centered on ourselves but rather on the harmonious relationships we seek to cultivate in our lives.