Iris Murdoch: 'Falling out of love is chiefly a matter of forgetting how charming someone is.'

Falling out of love is chiefly a matter of forgetting how charming someone is.

In her insightful words, Iris Murdoch raises a thought-provoking idea about the nature of love: "Falling out of love is chiefly a matter of forgetting how charming someone is." At first glance, this quote appears to suggest that the fading of romantic feelings is primarily driven by the gradual erasure of the charm that initially captivated us. It encapsulates the ephemeral whimsy of love, reminding us that its potency lies in the ability to enchant and inspire. However, when we delve deeper into the complexities of human emotions, it becomes apparent that this quote touches upon a profound philosophical concept: the deceptive nature of perception.Love encompasses a multitude of emotions and experiences that are deeply intertwined with the way we perceive our partners. From the moment we meet someone, our perception of them becomes colored by the initial charm that they exude. This charm, whether it stems from physical attributes, captivating wit, or a magnetic personality, introduces an element of enchantment into the relationship. It serves as a powerful force that draws us irresistibly toward the object of our affection, fueling the flames of love in its early stages.However, the human mind is a complex and ever-evolving entity. Memories fade, impressions blur, and our perception of others fluctuates over time. As Murdoch astutely observes, forgetting the charm that initially drew us to someone can lead to falling out of love. But why does this forgetting occur? How does one's perception of charm change with time?To explore this further, let us consider the philosophical concept of phenomenology. Phenomenology contemplates the nature of subjective experience, questioning how our consciousness shapes our perception of the world. It posits that our encounters with others are filtered through our unique perspectives, preconceptions, and biases.In the context of love, phenomenology helps us understand how our perception of charm can shift as we navigate the complexities of a relationship. After the initial rush of enchantment and infatuation, familiarity sets in, and we begin to observe our partners more objectively. We may notice flaws, imperfections, or aspects that do not align with our idealized image. As the enchantment wanes, the charm that once seemed all-encompassing slowly recedes into the periphery of our consciousness.Phenomenologically speaking, this process can be explained by the tendency of our minds to form habits and routines. Our minds strive for efficiency by creating cognitive shortcuts, which can lead us to overlook the charm that initially captivated us. We become less attentive to the subtleties and nuances of our partners' personalities, taking their charm for granted. In this way, the quote by Murdoch offers a fresh perspective on the ephemeral nature of human emotions, urging us to remain conscious of the enchantment that once ignited our love.However, it is important to note that falling out of love is not solely a result of forgetting charm. Relationships are intricate dance of emotions and interactions, shaped by countless factors and evolving dynamics. While charm may be a significant aspect in the initial stages, sustaining a deep connection requires more than just the memory of charm. Love is nurtured through empathy, understanding, shared experiences, and growth. It is an ongoing journey that requires effort from both partners to sustain and cultivate.In conclusion, the quote by Iris Murdoch, "Falling out of love is chiefly a matter of forgetting how charming someone is," encapsulates the fleeting and delicate nature of love. It reminds us of the importance of remaining conscious of the enchantment that initially drew us to our partners. Furthermore, by introducing the concept of phenomenology, we gain insights into how our perception of charm can change over time. While charm is undoubtedly an integral part of love, it is essential to recognize that sustaining a deep connection entails a commitment to growth, understanding, and appreciating the multi-faceted nature of our partners.